Awww. How simple is that? 

I notice personally that when my husband and I hold hands, my body gets filled with a slow warmth. There can still be sadness, disconnect or even anger. I can still think we're married and now what? But it's like the hands also remember love. The hands somehow connect to the animal in us both. 

Vow to spend time holding hands each day - and especially hold hands before you sleep at night. Stan Tatkin (I talk about his couple bubble in my blog here) recommends that couples find solace in a comforting and connecting ritual with one another. Hand holding is this ritual for me and my husband.

(One more tip - make sure you both instigate the hand hold. Don't leave it to one person as resentment can build if you do.)

Devotion is good for a relationship. Let your partner take you out of control, and devote to serving the direction they want to go in for a moment or two. (Make sure you keep this inside your realm of capacity - you don't want to go further out of control than you can truly handle. If a trauma response starts kicking in you might want to pull back or redefine.) But often, if you are feeling tight or constricted about something your partner has done or not done, getting them to take the reins for a moment can be really enjoyable (and also erotic.)

Try getting your partner to say shhhhh. And then direct you to do something slightly out of your comfort zone.  This can be supremely relaxing to the nervous system if you get the balance right.

Looking into one another's eyes is again profound yet simple exercise that can be used in a ritualistic way to re-attune. Try it as soon as you both arrive home from work. Or in the morning before you head off for the day.  Do it just before eating together, Or any other time you may find lush and exciting to do so.

Remember that eye gazing will promote the love hormone oxytocin, and will switch on the parasympathetic aspect of the nervous system (which is activated through social engagement). So eye gazing is both relaxing and connecting at the same time. What's not to love? Perhaps this is why tantra has been teaching this simple exercise for millennia.

Often I find when I am coaching couples, that the mind games and resentments can get in the way of connection. But often, their bodies are there underneath all of that just wanting to do what feels natural - which is to connect in trust and warmth. Eye gazing is a great way to let the urge of your bodies rise and take control for a bit.

There are a number of ways you can do this - one really delightful way is to have a "gratitudes box" for the partnership and/or the family. Choose a lovely paper pad and pen, and keep these somewhere accessible for everyone to see and use. The practice is just to write down whenever you are grateful for something. And pop it in the box. Once a week, during Sunday lunch for example, it can be great to take the gratitudes out and read them to one another.

My husband and I often find that gratitudes "build the bank" as it were. It is very hard to make room for listening to complaint or even criticism if the bank is empty of gratitude. But if the bank is full? Generally speaking it is much easier to make space to hear your partner if the ground is nourished and love is circulating around the space already. 

Gratitudes are a really powerful way of putting positive energy into your relationship. Try it and see.

In the midst of modern living and the kinds of pressures all partnerships find themselves under, it can be really easy to let sex fall by the wayside. Let alone if your bank gets emptied out - as per the previous point. Who has it in them to make love when exhaustion hits and energy is low? Sex, like all good things, needs space and relaxation and a healthy level of presence to be fully enjoyed. 

Most of my couples come to me wanting to replenish their dehydrated sex lives. And the truth is, that time needs to be made and practices need to be practiced for a difference to me truly rendered. 

My favourite sexual practice of all time to recommend is probably Orgasmic Meditation. A partnered practice that involves one partner stroking the other's clitoris for 15 minutes without goal. (This is also my favourite practice personally of all time too when it comes to partnering.) OM is like a gateway drug to a good sex life. Not only does it increase turn on hormones - which means you basically want sex more often. But it also increases the level of connection when you do finally get it on again. (You can contact me here if you'd like to learn more about this practice and how to do it.)

Nothing gets the blood pumping as much as risk. Obviously, relational safety is important. But you don't want your relationship to flat line with all the comfort. Go exercising together. Make a date that take you both somewhere different and slightly extraordinary. One of the things I love about my husband the most is his incredible capacity to just - jump.

Rarely do we feel so good as when we are taking on the world together 🙂

Come on now, you've seen Social Dilemma. You know it's hideous and that you are devoting your precious time into a level of intimacy with Mark Zuckerberg that is wholly unsustainable. And really a bit creepy.

Put the electronica away and see what happens.

Shock horror maybe the two of you will get naked! Or maybe you will play scrabble! The sky really is the limit. 

We all know we should be doing this, and yet somehow we all get pulled into addicting distraction over and over again. But taking all the electric out - even down to spending the night by candlelight - can be truly romantic and wonderful. My chiropractor once told me how his whole family had a zero electric/candlelight night once a week - and that they all slept like absolute babies as a result. Give it a try! 

A large proportion of the exercises I use when coaching couples come down to helping partners develop the capacity to pay exquisite attention. Attention really is our most precious resource (hence the tragedy of the social media addiction as above.) There  are lots of ways to cultivate loving attention, but one of my faves is the noticing practice. 

You can do this really simply with your partner. Start off noticing small things. For example, I notice your cheeks are slightly flushed from being outside in the cold. I notice your hair is shining, did you wash it? I notice your eyes are sad today. 

Note - it does not have to be something amazing. In fact, it can work better when it is something absolutely value neutral. Literally, you don't have to notice your partner is beautiful (unless you really are thinking that of course.) Just noticing what is THERE is often enough render turn on and happiness.

Women particularly love to receive attention. Give it freely, and watch her blossom and shine.