Creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other feeling safe and secure. And in my world, relational safety is underestimated. People often come to me wanting more turn on and excitement between them, but often what they don't realise, is that it's a life of unresolved conflict and lack of attention to the little things, that has each partner feeling unsafe and closed down as a result. Sex is the first thing to go when this is the case.

Attending to safety and security is a beautiful way to build a foundation of trust through which deeper sexual practices can flourish. Think of it like a couple of armchairs beside the fire. You can aim for the stars sexually, but you won't want to start with that until you know there is somewhere warm and comfortable you can settle back into at home. The first principle of the couple bubble is to devote yourself to maintaining your partner's armchair. Keep it clean. Plump the cushions. Invite them to sit in it now and again and put their feet up.

Stan Tatkin came up with the term "primitives" to describe the survival aspects of the nervous system that have evolved to basically wage and win at war. They are useful - to a point. Generally not that useful when it comes to building and maintaining positive relationships. But understanding how your primitives can take charge, and in fact can become the modus operandi of your nervous system, can be super helpful. Because like with anything that you bring awareness to, if you can catch your primitives in the act, and help soothe them into a different way of tackling the situation, you are likely to spend less time at loggerheads with your partner. Self-soothing your primitives is a key skill when it comes to both your own body and your relationships with others.

In a physiological nutshell, the primitives are as follows: your amygdala, hypothalamus, pituitary and adrenal glands, and your dorsal vagus. Think fight, flight or freeze. 

Tatkin also highlighted a term for the parts of your nervous system that counteract the effects of your primitives however, and he called these parts your "ambassadors." It's a good idea to get to know your ambassadors too - including their own particular quirks - because you can utilise them to downgrade the threat and urge to war. If you are one of those couples who get stuck in high drama and conflict, this practice will be life changing for you.

In a physiological nutshell, the ambassadors are as follows: ventral vagus (social engagement), hippocampus (locates and orientates and controls stress hormones), insula ( governs sensate awareness), right brain (empathy and body awareness), left brain (processes and integrates) orbito-frontal cortex (oversees both primitives and ambassadors and keeps everything in order.)

Another word for trigger, of course, is simply vulnerability. One of the key things about the couple bubble is really getting under the skin of your partner's core vulnerabilities. The point being, that when you know what their vulnerability is, then it is far easier to get underneath their obnoxious behaviour and have some compassion for the deeper truth of their reality. Compassionate understanding for the deeper reality, will invariably diffuse a toxic situation and bring back love, harmony and trust. It's literally a practice. 

Plus it isn't just compassionate understanding that will help protect and build the resilience of your couple bubble. It is also naming and recognising the core ways that your partner's nervous system is brought back online and the ways that they personally experience safety. 

If your partner has an island attachment type for example, it is very hard to bring them back on board by following a line of enquiry and questioning them about their day. They may well feel invaded by your strategies and retreat further. 

So it is not enough to know how your partner gets vulnerable and where they might be being triggered by you - the couple bubble helps you define and determine the core ways you can help them back to ease.

Habits help us come closer - or further apart. Understanding the habits that bring us closer can be useful as we can make them more sacred. Sacred habits could be said to be akin to conscious relational rituals. Waking together, and going to sleep together are important rituals to foster connection and togetherness, even in the midst of some seriously busy lives. "Launching and landing" is another fun ritual Stan Tatkin talks about. Coming together just before you leave for the day or just as you return home. Making point of doing something fun together - even if it is just sharing a coffee at the breakfast table. Or sharing hug as you arrive home together. Habits reinforce - so it's good to choose the ones that remind you why you loved each other in the first place.

Couples should be the primary go to person for each other. It can help to make a list of all the other relationships you have in your life and to see which ones you might go to for what. For example, are there things you tell your friends that you would never tell your partner? Whilst this can be quite normal, it doesn't actually build a feeling of confidence or trust between the two of you. If you need support or love and care, make sure you allow your partner to serve you in that way. In an ideal world, your partner will be your closest source of love. If they aren't? Things may already be drifting apart between you.

A healthy "third" is treated as the most important part of the relationship. Nobody else gets to take precedence over the "third". Not your mother in law. Not your boss. Not your children. Not your lovers if you are non-monogamous. Your "third" is your garden. its a place you love to be together. If there is a more fun or more important place to be? This does not ever bode well for the couple bubble.

Let me give you an example - once I met a woman who had just given birth. She was - understandably - knackered. She fell asleep with the baby in her arms and slept for about 15 hours straight. When she woke up - her mother in law had slept with the baby instead. Her mother in law had actually taken the baby from her arms and spent the entire night gazing into the newborn's eyes and "bonding."

When the daughter in law woke? Granny just happened to tell her about this. And the daughter in law felt a kind of incandescent rage. A sense of having been robbed. Of the sacred bond between mother and child somehow having been violated whilst she slept. 

She spoke to her husband about it. She felt herself choking about it. But the husband could not understand her feelings. The husband thought she was over-reacting and that granny was just being granny.

I met this woman at a mother and baby group. She was unfortunately so stressed out by all this that she was going in and out of post-natal depression ('cos new mothers are sensitive like that.) I remember thinking at the time how lucky I was that my husband would have defended me in such a situation. How important the "third" was to him. Because granny is important. But God knows she is not primary in our relationship. Don't let anyone else take priority over the love and trust between you and your beloved.

Oh this one is a biggie. *Still learning*. You can read this blog here about how to utilise anger in a way that serves your relationships and doesn't actually destroy them. Suffice to say that anger - put behind something worth fighting for - can often enhance passion and connection. Whereas anger -put behind blame and criticism - can very quickly facilitate your relationship falling apart.

Learn to defend your relationship and to fight for what is important to you both. Not destroy it.

This is a basic tantric concept that works absolute wonders for your connection. And thankfully for us time stretched modern couples, it is extremely easy to fit in!

Remember the principle of connection rituals above? Adding eye gazing to a ritual can be really powerful. 

All humans desire to be seen, known and loved. A few minutes of silent eye gazing can switch you from disconnection to fully flowing connectedness again. 

Do often. Rinse and repeat.

Remember the primitives and the ambassadors? Well, the 9th guiding principle of the couple bubble is that a life overly burdened with stress will not add value to your relationship at all. We all know how difficult we can be when we are tired and at our raggedy edge. And what nightmare our partners can become when the same.

Prioritising health and relaxation will feed into your bubble.

For example, if you are reaching stressful heights with each other, or deep in doubt or conflict, one of the most useful strategies can be to take a time out. Literally tell your partner that is what you are doing, and when you will be back. And go let your nervous system settle. 

I have a great article here on ways to reduce stress and to let your nervous system come back into safety here. Try practicing some of these before re-entering the arena with your partner.

The basic premise of the couple bubble - is to value nervous system safety in your relationship, and to spot when either of you are heading out of range. The responsibility then lies on each of you - to be generous to one another's vulnerabilities, to offer strategies that you know will help calm the other, and also to practice regulating your own mind body so that you show up as the best of yourself every time.