"We often are told desire is something to be avoided. But what about having desire as a spiritual practice?"

desire has a bad rap

I come from a feminine lineage. 

It's difficult to pin down.

It's not like I can say "Oh yes, this particular practice comes all the way from Rinpoche XYZ and was founded on such and such a date."

Instead, my lineage is more nebulous. I have found it to be shrouded in mystery (and quite possibly witch burnings. Which makes a lot fo sense to me. As lineages tend to disappear underground when under the threat of femicide.)

However. I remember the time I first came into contact with what I now understand to. e my line. I was sat at a talk, where I explicitly heard about the concept of following my desire like it was a good thing.

It was a fairly shocking theory for me at the time. Because, wasn't my desire actually evil? And wasn't it something that might lead me into all sorts of unfathomable trouble - like addiction, extreme wealth, extreme poverty, sex with strangers I just met on the subway? (Hell, maybe even on the subway? No?)

No.

Apparently, according to a teacher I once saw speaking in front of a class of slightly bemused but interested people, desire could be used as a practice path.

you have no control over what you want

Fast forward a few years, and I had deeply immersed myself in this tradition. Learning more about my life and relationships along the way than anything else I had previously tried. And so, in reverence for the way the path of desire had changed my life for the better, I posted a meme on Facebook. With those exact words:

You Have No Control Over What You Want.

The result was interesting - I got more trolls, hate and vitriolic posting than ever before. People were literally disgusted with me (and themselves.) "I cannot believe you said that!" posted one woman. "Like, if I had no control over what I wanted, like I might end up killing someone!"

Fair enough, I remember posting back. But surely, if you actually want to kill someone, deep down, then perhaps you are better off knowing about it?

Of course, I am not advocating that she commit murder. Rather that her wish to do so become more conscious to her. Because anything buried for too long will take on a life of its own. As Carl Jung is known for saying: "Until you make the unconscious, conscious, it will rule your life.....” 

So in other words those sub-conscious desires have power. Much more power the deeper you bury them.

is desire dangerous?

So is desire really dangerous, then? As this woman believed? 

Certainly, in my opinion, we are conditioned to think so.

Media and Morality both play their part in educating us to keep our desires under control. From buddhism to christianity, from school sex education classes to performative sex behaviours, our innate feminine desire rarely gets a look in. In fact, we are told quite clearly to not even bring them to the table. From my son's class where not one pupil knew what the clitoris was, to my own experience of bringing the work of ameliorating feminine desire out into the world.....

I remember being at an online marketing class I was partaking in. We went off into small groups. "What do you do?" was the first, introductory prompt. When it got to me - well what was I supposed to say?

"I'm a sex and relationships coach who helps women increase their orgasmic power and use it as rocket fuel for their lives" I said.

It was like I'd dropped a bomb. What felt like minutes ticked by.

"I think you've shocked us into silence" said another woman.

I remember thinking - really? This is 2020 and female desire is still non navigable in the public domain?

It begs one to ask the question why. Why would we be expected to swallow our desires down on a daily basis? Why are they not even up for discussion? And perhaps even more important, what effect does this have on our psyche and our capacity to lead powerful, impactful lives as women? 

desire as power

I would argue, in fact, that this cultural expectation that women sideline and repress their relationship with their desire, is very harmful indeed.

Back to the days when I was learning about desire as a practice path (and I am constantly learning, truth be told), I frequently heard that desire is the foundation of power. And this has certainly panned out in my coaching practice too. Woman after woman coming through my cyber doors without any clue as to what she actually wants. To even be asked the question seems strange to her. 

What do I want? You mean, I actually have a say in this? What I want is important and all?

But of course it is. In fact, it is so important that when it comes to feminine empowerment, desire is the place to begin. It is essential you get clarity about what you want in life. Without clarity on this, how can you think it is possible to ever actually have the thing you crave? To gather the resources, to call in the favours, to nakedly ask? Without desire as a well used and practiced muscle - attaining power and agency in the outside realms will be impossible for you.

With my women then, it is always where we go first.

And frequently, women find this line of questioning extremely uncomfortable. It's like I've held a spotlight to every single bit of them that feels ashamed and unworthy. Like someone is giving them permission to not keep this awful secret as a burden anymore. Like they suddenly realise how impossible it is to have any chance of getting what they need, if they don't know what that is!

The relief is always tangible though, when they get to the point of common understanding that I truly have their back and that I want them to have what they want as much as they do.

the games we play with desire

Understanding the ways in which we manipulate, deny or strategise our desire into oblivion is important then. Because once we get a handle on how we constantly sabotage ourselves, we can begin to bring that under control..... and stop. Desire can have a chance to flourish again.

So - here are some of the most common ways we flatline our potential to thrive.

ways to nurture your relationship with desire

In the face of all these self-limiting behaviours, designed to squash your desire before it even has a chance to breath, I have put together some practical ways that will help.

Get specific.

Of course, the first step to that is clarity and understanding as to what it actually is you want (back to the opening paragraph of this article.) But even then, as women, it is super easy to trick ourselves out of being potent by dressing our desire up in woolliness. 

I remember a client of mine once. We got to her desire it was along the lines of "oh I just want him to fully embrace being human and realise that overarching possibility that love can help us to thrive."

And I was like - hmmmm. An eyebrow of mine most definitely got arched. Hmmmmm.

"So if you were specific?"

"Like love me better, asshole."

"No. Like specific. Like I'd love you to take me out once per week in a romantic way where everything is taken care of and I don't have to think of one damn thing."

"Ohhhhhhhh..."

"And I'd love you to do that next Tuesday evening."

She finally got it. Power lies in specificity every time. If you are not being specific, you are definitely not championing your desire, and it is very very unlikely anyone will rise to the joy of meeting it.

Ask for it.

Most women HATE to ask. It goes against every ounce of good girl conditioning they ever had. Far better to provide, preferably silently. Far better not to rock the boat by risking being greedy, selfish or overly demanding.

Asking is - logically - one of the quickest and easiest ways to get what you want however. So I often encourage women to try it. It frequently leads to delightful and desire filled surprises.

Developing the Desire Muscle

Tuning into one's desire, as often as we can, will build a relationship with self and power. Start with just asking yourself as often as you can "what do I want?" See if you can locate the knowing in your body. And then, perhaps even better, is to slow down and fully allow yourself to enjoy the having of it. Say gratitudes for how it arrived (especially if it wasn't quite what you wanted.) Allow yourself to feel what it is to have your desire satiated. Tune into to simple pleasure of it. But most of all, use that desire muscle as an embodied form of truth that walks alongside you every day. Let your life be an homage to it. Let shame burn to ashes at its feet.

and then the work begins