As I said in my opening quote - sexless relationship is just a game of calling one another back to pleasure from the hell realms. (Sorry.) Now I know the hell realms can be enticing. But I also know you care about your relationship to be more responsible than that. Some days you will be more resourced than your partner. Sometimes they will be more resourced than you. Take the lead. Call each other home. Offer a moment of recognition or understanding.  A gentle gesture of love.

How do you want it to look? What is your ideal sex life? What things turn you on as individuals and as a couple? Be sure to know, as if you are unconscious about what you want then you don't stand a chance of having it. You can really have fun with this one. Enjoy creating an erotic vision for your relationship together and remember to remember it. The effort will keep you clear of a sexless relationship.

Blame and criticism will end your sexual connection for sure.  There is nothing puts the stops on your relational pleasure as quickly and easily as these two foes. it is sooo tempting, I know. My husband still to this day reminds me I am being critical.  Blame and criticism, however, are ultimately so disempowering as they render you unable to get what you need in real time. They are the number one way we actually block ourselves from receiving what we desire, imo. Get. masterful at NOT going there.

Volunteer yourself as a resource for your partner's growth. It cuts both ways. This can mean anything from showing patience when they get it wrong and forgiving them for it instantaneously. Or reminding them of a promise they made with their behaviour. Or inspiring them with the vision you created together. Being there is generous. Get generous.

Also - this is common sense - in order to be there for one another you will need to be there first and foremost for your own body. Get a sensate focus practice. Learn how to feel what it's like to inhabit your body moment by moment. Sexless relationships cannot thrive in a truly connected and sensualist setting. And don't give up! You could do this for a lifetime and still learn more.

Your feelings will destroy any hope of resurrecting you from a sexless relationship unless you learn to communicate them effectively.  The first step to making this work is to actually learn to enjoy them. (Wait, WHAT?!) 

Seriously though - your feelings are not the enemy of your sex life, they will enhance and ameliorate it. (That Taoists knew this inside out. If you ever study the jade egg with me I talk about this a lot.)

But for now - learn how to communicate what you are feeling moment by moment. 

In fact, I use six pillars when I coach with couples, and communication is one of the core ones. You will never enjoy a great sex life if your communication is shot - and there are a million and one ways we go wrong with this.

Narcissists hate this one, for sure.  Taking responsibility for where our actions cause pain or even harm to another. To be honest - we are all somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism imo. I tend to call it being human and having a human ego. But some are more walled up in their righteousness than others - this tends to manifest as one partner in the couple refusing to see how their behaviour is having an impact on their partner too. They generally come thinking their partner has a problem needs to be solved. But this is never the case. Couples are an intricate interrelation of nervous systems, histories and needs and expectations. If you are totally impenetrable, your partner won't trust you in bed. Softness, the capacity to relax and take the point of view of the other actually IN, is a great precursor skill for the bedroom. When your partner sees you humble, they in turn may also humble more. Humbling is good for the heart. And opening the heart is really good for the genitals too - especially the pussy. (Which the Taoists also knew.)

There is another angle to just keeping yourselves out of a sexless relationship - and that is to allow yourselves to lean into some relational edges too. Sex won't flourish without safety - but it also stagnates under the mantle of too much comfort.

A way to practice expanding your comfort zone is to lean into feeling the sensations that arise when you go over your comfort edge. 

Next time you are angry about something your partner has done, try saying yes to the sensation that arises in your body. Likewise with disgust. Or jealousy. Open to emotion on a purely sensate level and see what happens.

I find when I do this that my sexual turn on is often not far behind.

I know I would say this - 'cos it costs good money to coach with me. In fact, it's pretty much the equivalent price of a decent family holiday. 

And this is what I always say, when potential clients raise their eyebrows at the thought of paying money for my services. I always ask them what they would rather - a beach hut in Tulum and seafood tacos on tap. Or a reliable skillset and set of practices that virtually guarantee a life of connection, communicative skill, and sexual mastery and pleasure?

Honestly? I have zero investment in their answer. Because the Tulum beach may be what they need. ( For the record I cannot stand coaches who tell me what I need. And I would never do that to my clients either. I do not know better than you.)

What I would say though - is that you can use money as a way to treat your relationship better. Give it some luxury.

And if you can't afford to? Give it some time. Take a month off. Hell. Take a day off together.

There is nothing that informs my coaching more than this principle.

In fact, there is nothing that informs my life more than this principle.

Everything I do, say, teach or even post, comes back to this guiding tenet for me.

And here's why - stress and pleasure literally compete for the same nerve pathways in your body. With education, attention and practice, you can choose which one triumphs.

And when you have pleasure in the driving seat? Well pleasure begets pleasure.  In other words,  the more turn on and sexual happiness you invite into your life, the more turn on and sexual happiness you will crave and create going forward.

Pleasure is like a muscle. You are going to need to use it.

The good news is, that even if this muscle is currently rather atrophied, you can begin bringing  it back to life in really small and doable ways.

Here's the thing - if you don't bring all the other points I have mentioned here into your awareness and lives, then no amount of sex practice will make much of a difference for you.

In other words, if you are full of unexpressed resentments towards your partner, then your turn on will never manifest as well as it could if you'd cleared things up for example.

But - with all the other things in place - sexual practice is really the cherry on the icing of the cake.

There's a reason I went to training in Orgasmic Meditation, and then on to tantra school. And that's because I wanted a plethora of sexual techniques up my sleeve with which to help couples reconnect to their ecstasy.

You can contact me below if you would like to know more about how to pull yourselves out of the blandness of a sexless relationship for good.