Sex Toys – The Thinking Woman’s Guide
Okay so you may have heard me say by now - female pleasure is important.
what's your pleasure type?
In my coaching biz I have found women tend to fall into one of four, distinct pleasure types. Curious to find out which one of these pleasure types you might be? Take my quiz below, and receive a free, personalised video giving you tips and tricks specific to your type to help increase your pleasure threshold exponentially!
sex toys - because Female Pleasure is Important
I take female pleasure very seriously (at your service, female orgasm). And because of this, I decided to speak to a few of my friends about sex. As what woman doesn't love an online convo about that?
This time though I had something specific to ask them. A question which got straight to the point.
Sex toys.
What were they using? Which did they recommend and why?
Because feminine pleasure can be arrived at through all sorts of means in my experience. Indeed, feminine pleasure often takes the circuitous rather than direct route. (Personally, I find my own pleasure responds more over time - it is languorous and multi-directional. Not particularly prone to a quick time out in the bedroom with a dildo. I may be a sex coach. But sometimes, like you, I'd rather just go on Instagram.)
Oh Go On Then Let’s Have a Go
I have to admit then, that I came to sex toys rather late in life - and really only because it was a mandatory requirement of my sex and relationship coaching training that I get to know my body more intimately. I remember literally wincing as I looked on Amazon for the required apparatus. I mean, why did sex toys all have to be so unattractive? Why did they remind me of some seedy sex shop in Soho that only desperate middle aged men were ever seen going into? (Sorry desperate middle aged men. Happy to coach you too.)
But back to the dildos. Why were so many of them made from the kind of knobbly rubber that looked like it might start to smell after a few good uses? And even the aesthetically pleasing ones only seemed to do beautiful in that tacky “I just got this bit of coloured glass in the bargain bucket of a £1 shop” kind of way?
Yoni Wands and Inflatable Butt Plugs
Whyyyyy?? I found myself crying out. Was I going to have to go to Coco de Mer in London and spend £500 on a yoni wand or an inflatable butt plug? Surely a massage and a good quality gin and tonic was gonna give me more pleasure than that? (And frankly, I could get a whole lot more of those for that kind of money.)
Two years later however, and after quite some exploration, I became aware of which toys I liked and which I didn’t. What parts of my sex were turned on by sex toys and which weren’t. Which were a bit meh and which felt like they were even contacting places in my body where there was a lot of tension and withheld sexual energy underneath.
And whilst I still prefer pleasure with another real, live human being, sometimes other real live human beings can be complicated. Plus not everyone has the desire or the time for relationships either. In which case, sex toys can be a wonderful journey into self pleasure practices. (Of course, sex toys can definitely enhance said relational sex play too. Especially if things have got boring between you.)
So this was kind of an interesting journey, right?
Why Women Love Sex Toys
Most definitely, given the flourishing state of the sex toy industry, this is a journey not just made by yours truly. But by millions of women out there determined to give their pleasure the time and attention it needs.
So, as I say, I got to talking to my women friends. And if my friends are anything like yours, I find that when we get to talking about sex, we can be talking for a very long time indeed.
I put the initial shout out, and when I get messages back like:
“Oh yes, I have become quite the expert at strap on sex”
Or “I am very enthusiastic about butt plugs”...
When I get those kinds of responses, know I have hit a spot that you, sweet reader, are gonna want to hear about.
So here’s the low down. What they liked. What they use. And why.
Enjoy! It’s quite illuminating. And not a knobbly flesh coloured smelly rubber pink glass bargain basement dildo in sight.
The Best Sex Toys a Woman Can Get
Okay so the peeps at Onna seem to have kicked up quite a storm in the self-pleasure world. In a recent question posed by a colleague on a thread I belong to, the Onna came back as the clear majority favourite. With things said like “Oh yes, I use my Raven Pearl every day”.
And it’s not hard to understand why - if you have a look at the Onna site here you can see a variety of high quality wands and dildos made to a variety of shapes designed to maximise female pleasure.
Plus they actually look really lovely, don’t you think?
(Use my discount code JDLALLY and you can get 10% off any Onna purchase with the link above)
Here's what Saskia has to say....
I am the proud owner of two Onna toys: the Raven Pearl and the Drop. The Raven Pearl is a black obsedian toy in a beautiful shape with a bulb on one end. You can use it both ways. It’s great for your G-spot, but also deep penetration and you can reach your cervix with it. The Drop is a stainless steel sex toy, with an amazing curve. Some people find the steel a bit intimidating, but I think it’s quite sexy.
What I really love about these toys is that the sensitised me more. I used to use regular vibrators, but somehow they can seem to numb you. While using the Onna toys, I get to feel myself more. So I have a lot of awareness of how my body feels, what touches or moves I like. I love how I can feel my inside, when I have the toy inside of me. It’s a great way to create more awareness and build more love for my body.
Somehow people often think that glass, crystal or steel toys are hard or cold. But they adjust to your body temperature and feel so good!!!
What I love about the Raven Pearl, is that the stone itself feels so powerful. I can really be in the mood for that one or sometimes I’m in the mood for the Drop. So I like switching toys and using one that suits my vibe of the moment.
If there was one thing I would like other women to know about the Raven Pearl, it would be that it is an amazing toy to explore your body with. Explore your sexuality with. Explore what you like. The best thing about the toy is that it has made me way more sensitive. And I enjoy that also when I have sex with a partner. I feel way more!
What I really love about The Drop, is the weight of it. Wow, I didn’t know I needed that! 
It feels very yummy inside of you! And I squirt almost every time.
What I love about Onna is that they design toys with the best care. They only use the best and safe materials, which is exactly the only thing I want for my pussy.
They are really into women wellness and design their toys with that in mind. They have toys designed especially for women to practice with self pleasure, penetration, massaging and de-armoring.
The Release Wand
One of the things that really amazed and surprised me on my own (continuing) journey of sexual exploration was the sheer amount of tension, pain (and pleasure) stored deep within my vagina at the cervix level. I since became pretty fascinated by cervical de-armoring - as it’s known in tantra. The process of making gentle, physical contact with the deepest part of your sex and releasing old emotions or energies connected with that place.
Experience has shown me that it can really open up a lot of increased sensation that might hitherto have been held back and frozen. So it’s always great to come across people championing the cervix and cervical pleasure for women. Especially as our cervixes can take quite a lot during our lifetimes as women - from smear tests to LEEP procedures - which leave some women feeling no sensation at all afterwards. (Please DM me if this is you by the way. I'd love to help.)
All is not lost however - it is really possible through a pleasure practice such as using the Wand, to open up and release back into moving and deep pleasure again. I mean, as the ladies who make the Wand say themselves, if the cervix is connected to three different nerve pathways in the body, why on earth would we accept it as a place of NON feeling? Surely, numbness is not the natural state of the cervix?
Here's what Zahara has to say....
I’ve been using the cervical wand from Self Cervix for 6 months - I like the material, it’s all glass and beautifully crafted with it’s unique and intriguing look. I like that it’s thin and feels safe to use. I also like that it was shipped in a good time frame and properly with a box for protection.
To be honest, my most favourite thing about it is how gentle it is inside my vagina. Despite that it seems intimidating when you look at it, when it’s inside me, I’m impressed with the smoothness, the grace, the surprising non-pain that I feel with it. Other times when my cervix has been touched, whether that be from lover's cocks or other toys, I’ve felt more of a sharp kind of electrical shock, but with this cervical wand, I can hardly feel it - feels more like I’m touching a bruise on my cervix. A completely different feeling.
My advice to other women would be - don’t be afraid to explore your inner landscapes with this wand. It’s truly a wonder! Also I’m the type of person that usually goes really slow with the wand internally, so I haven’t tried doing any fast movements with the wand inside me which might elicit different sensations.
You might love it SO much that you’ll create a special shrine for it 
—Zahara Devi, Somatic Sex Educator & Sensual Embodiment Coach
Butt Plugs
There’s a lot to be said for anal play - it can open up previously unexplored depths and take your orgasm to new, stratospheric heights.
There are a few orgasmic zones within the female body, and just the other side of the anus lies one of them. Anal penetration can therefore increase stimulation to this orgasmic zone and create more pleasure.
Some women also say they find this type of play very emotionally releasing too - the traditional cliche of being “tight-arsed” or holding pent up emotions in - can be worked with gently and pleasurably of you are willing to venture into the arena of anal play.
I had a lot of women telling me they were very turned on by anal play, and here’s what one of them had to say about it:
Here's what Ellecia has to say....
I've been using anal toys since I was about 16. Anal toys make masturbation SUPER pleasurable without needing extra hands. Using anal toys with a partner add a lot of fun and add the ability to enjoy double penetration.
Be sure that any toy you use anally has a handle or a flange to stop it from going all the way in.
I think women Should know that there is no shame in enjoying anal stimulation. It's one of the most sensational parts of the body and can take your orgasms to new heights.
Let’s talk aesthetics before anything else.
OMG isn’t it just gorgeous?
I mean, I don't know about you, but if I am putting something inside my vaginal walls then it’s gonna have to look good. (Or maybe I’m just some kind of sex toy princess.)
But joking aside, I have to tell you that I love this little thing and I love it a lot.
Firstly, it looks divine. Secondly, it feels good - and if you go for the high quality type of egg (like the ones I sell on my site here) then you can expect to have an egg that feels relatively heavy to hold, and waxy and dense to touch.
It’s also incredibly versatile - so it is possible and with the right exercises - to reach all sorts of erogenous zones. For example, cervical dearmoring is even possible as the egg can travel really far up inside the vagina without getting lost. It’s also magnificent for reaching the g-spot.
And lastly, there is an energetic and spiritual side to the egg which I also really love. When used correctly it will increase orgasmic potential and build and amplify sexual energy within the body. Because its also an ancient toy - apparently used by taoist priestesses - there is also a real sense of how this feminine pleasure can be used and stored as actual creative power and juice. A perfect example of how pleasure can be stored and used as power, like I say.
It has got a bad rap in recent years due to various articles about its hygiene and BS claims etc. All I can say is, if you use high quality jade then the material is very non-porous and safe. I and the women I have taught jade egg practices to have used it quite without bother - and with a whole lot of good time. Plus - all respect to medical professionals aside - no doctor or gynaecologist ever told me how to increase my orgasm. So I'll trust my own pussy on that front, thankyou very much.
And pussy is ON for this.
Here's what Sara (name changed) has to say....
Using the jade egg has connected me to my pleasure and my body in ways that I could not previously have imagined given my trauma history. There has always been a level of fear and freeze around sexual turn on that's prevented me from letting go. The jade egg changed all that as it felt safe and has allowed me to open my sex slowly and incredibly gently.
It is also powerful though - not to be underestimated and has hit all the spots!
The Good Ol'Fashioned Strap On
“I am quite the strap on queen, actually” said Mathilde (name changed). Which was enough to pique my interest for sure.
Personally, I tried one of these once and I felt ridiculous. Once was definitely enough. I basically could not stop laughing and so that was the end of that then. But I do hear amazing things about these devices - and know women from all types of backgrounds (including good regular church going Christian friends) who have admitted to being rather enamoured with this sex toy.
Firstly, it can be a real turn on to be the penetrator. There’s a sense of mastery and power that comes from using such a toy. Plus, I am reliably told by heterosexual women who use these with their male partners, that the quality of penetration they receive in return after having basically taken their partners up the back passage, has a very different quality indeed. Like once penetrated, never forgotten. There can be an intense vulnerability to being penetrated after all. And many women believe their sex partner becomes a better lover for having experienced it. More tuned in. More consensual. Over all better in bed.
Here's what Mathilde has to say....
I have been using a strap on since early 2018. I like the feeling of switching roles, embodying my masculine side, giving my man the possibility to receive.
My absolute favourite thing about it is that feeling of penetrating someone. That my humps have an effect!
I would really love other women to know that it's something to really not be ashamed about and it doesn't mean that your man might be gay. In fact, it's super amazing to switch roles and embody the penetrating role. To give your man incredible pleasure with it. To feel what it is to work with a penis.
The first time I put on the strap on I was like 'wow, what a weapon!'. When it comes to a bit more of powerplay, it's also interesting to let your man (or woman) suck it. Really amazing, again, to switch roles and feel how it is to embody the penetrating role.
Honestly, I love how powerful it feels to fuck a man. How powerful it is to see your men surrender. How powerful it is for the man to allow this surrender to be. How intimate this is. How loving this can be. How much pleasure it can give!
A heavy weight on every level. Made from real Norwegian stone I can only imagine the witchy experience you get from leaving this one out in the moonlight and then taking it to your chamber to self-pleasure. Hell, why even take it inside? I mean it seems made for stone circle sex rituals and outside fjordian orgasmic peaks if anything ever was.
It’s not only it’s shape of course, which is designed to hit those harder to reach spots inside your vaginal canal - but it is the sheer heavy feel of this wand that has women enjoying it so much.
Not cheap, but then what would you expect?
Here's what Moira has to say....
I really like shape and weight of it. I have a very alive and sensitive a spot and it is perfect for reaching this spot.
It's a brilliant length and weight. I have other crystal dildos but they are smaller. This reaches to my cervix where it can stay so I remain in deep contact with this part of my body.
It's rare to think of using crystal dildos but they create such sensitivity inside us. Each crystal has different properties and each dildo speaks to me differently. I am very energy sensitive so tap into this easily but it's worth trying them because it enriches self pleasure ten fold.
Kegel Balls
Kegel balls don’t have quite the same ring to them as say - well - any of the toys listed above, right? They sound more like something you might get given in a Swiss Obstetrician clinic after the prolapse hits.
However, this is also exactly what makes them so effective and also so well known. For so many women after childbirth, Kegel Balls are an absolute lifesaver. With regular practice they will help condition muscles back into their soft, released but strong and stable state. Meaning the end of pain and the increase of sensation and blood flow. Kegel Balls are also claimed to help prevent some of the more tricky, medical situations happening to your whole genital area.
They can also be used as a fun addition to your jade egg practice too - as you can string them to your egg like little weights to increase resistance during vaginal weightlifting exercises.
Here's what Patricia (name changed) has to say....
On Julia's advice I decided to upgrade my jade egg experience and begin some vaginal weighlifting with the Kegel balls attached. She reassured me completely that these exercises were gentle enough not to amplify or exacerbate pain. And powerful enough to actually relax some of the tension I had been having in my vagina.
Sexual penetration had been painful and this had really stopped enjoyment and flow for me.
After several months of practicing my vaginal weightlifting exercises with these balls, I can honestly say that my vagina feels more sensitive, much more relaxed and my partner reports a different tone. So basically that is much more fun for both of us!
I would highly recommend that women contemplate the idea of using these balls to help improve pleasure and comfort - especially if childbirth has changed things down there for the worse.
Ok. So some you may have heard the fuss about THIS one.
Wheweeee SO THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A WOMAN STUDIES ROBOTIC ENGINEERING.
She comes up with a unique toy which is blowing minds and orgasms as we speak.
RESPECT.
Here’s what is does:
The Ose has two points of pleasure - so it hits the g-spot and the clitoris simultaneously (Gulp. Can you only imagine? I thought maybe only the Witcher man might be capable of such a thing.)
Designed to mimic human touch - both the mouth action on the clit and the come hither action on the spot - it can lead to a combined climax experience. Plus it is fully customisable to your unique shape also so basically you can't get a better fit. Possibly not even from another human being.
To be honest, I am considering investing in this toy - what appeals is that because the Ose is a little robot, and the work is all done FOR you. And when you don't have to keep half a mind on getting the self pleasure stroke right, surely a deeper experience of surrender becomes possible? The canny tech of this toy must surely take the surrender to another level?
(Please tell me if you beg to differ - but in my experience both personally and in terms of the scores of women I have coached around their sex and power - more than anything else, a lady loves to let go.)
Here's what Julia has to say....
I did a fair bit of research trying to find a friend or colleague who actually had one of these babies - but at $290 a piece I haven't yet found a woman (I know at least) who has made the investment. (There is currently a waitlist on orders so you can be sure there are plenty of women who are giving this toy a trial.)
I might just have to push the boat out and buy one myself. Or maybe those good folks at Lora DiCarlo might consider gifting me one and I would be delighted to provide a review 😉
Honestly though - what's not to celebrate about feminine ingenuity and enterprise furthering the cause of feminine pleasure? I love it on all levels already.
remember what it was like to feel good?
The Pleasure Portal is a unique, 5 module online mini-course, designed to help you re-access your turn on for life and remember how good it can feel to be a woman again.
Structured to fit into an active lifestyle for immediate impact with absolute ease, treat yourself to 5 days of focussing on what actually matters.
YOU.
You'll be amazed at how little you actually have to DO in order to FEEL alive again.
I've taken hundreds of women through this portal, and I am so happy to be able to invite you, too, to experience the life-changing magic that pleasure reclamation is. I hope to see you in there!
With love
Julia
Categorised in: Pleasure and Orgasm
This post was written by Julia