Being Monogamous (or not?)

The etymology of "polyamory" comes from the Greek and Latin words for "many" and "loves". (Might have been round a while then, hey?)

In short, polyamory is a relationship structure built on the idea of having romantic love with more than one person at the same time.

Polyamorous people reject the idea of having “one true love” and believe that there are many possible partners for deep and genuine sexual love in this lifetime. (Sounds pretty healthy right? I find it hard not to find this one more compelling than the whole TWIN FLAMES FIXATION that goes around everywhere, I'll admit.)

We have to be careful here though - we can’t just define polyamory as the opposite of monogamy, and there are many ways to break this down too.

If you've heard the term "primary partner" then this is likely why.

Hierarchical poly comes into play when a committed couple open their sexual and/or romantic connections to include another person. The commitment is still to the primary relationship however - all roads lead back to it.

It's a very common for of sexual dalliance and one that I have partaken in myself too.

Obviously, it can get tricky. If one partner gets jealous or needs more control and boundaries than the other? Things can get pretty unethical here too - it's not like polyamorist don't also lie.

It's a great one to attempt though - as long as communication remains clear and all parties involved are getting their needs largely met. The hierarchical poly couple are saying that their monogamous relationship at the heart of the arrangement takes precedence over anything else, when push comes to shove. Typically, people assume that poly is a risk to a committed relationship. But truly, a lot of emotional risk can lie in the "outside" partner of this set up too. They have to be okay with being on the outside of something, and of someone else being a priority over them.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

Like a subset of hierarchical polyamory, this relationship structure holds in place when one person knows there is extra-marital sex happening, but doesn't want to know anything about it. This is really common I think. I have met a lot of wives, in particular, who manage their primary relationship by determining to "not know".

Monogamish

Another way that hierarchical poly couples tend to go about their business. To the outside world they are plainly monogamous - nobody would know otherwise. But an agreement is in place that occasional, non-committed dalliances with other people may take place. It's expected that these types of affairs would be short lived and have minimal impact on the monogamous couple.

The exact opposite of the above. 

Solo poly people do not want a hierarchical relationship at all. They want very little to do with a traditional relationship structure (and can make the perfect playmate for a hierarchical poly set up as a result.)

Typically they can have multiple partners in such an arrangement. But, as highlighted above, when it comes to human sexuality there is also really no "typical" to rely upon.

Simply put, solo polyamorists have sexual relationships but are not in a couple dynamic in the traditional way at all.

I mean it's a fun concept, right?

This type of poly set up means that there are three people, each of whom has a sexual relationship with each other, and also as a group.

For many people, this is what they think of when you use the word "polyamory". 

For sure, it's hard to imagine a triad being boring.

Something we don't necessarily consider, is what happens when two people in a committed and loving relationship, BOTH want to have sex with a third person, and not with each other?

One of the things I love about alternative relationships structures is that it pays homage to all the myriad of different ways it is possible to love and relate with other humans on this earth.

There are no moral questions here.

Two people (the bottom of the legs of a "V") love each other, but want to have sex with the person at the apex of the V. (The "hinge".)

Whatever keeps the relational ball rollin'. 

A quad is genuinely a free-for-all. 

Four people maintain some kind of romantic and sexual connection, but it’s not necessarily in every configuration. 

It's actually common for at least one person in a quad to have a close, non-sexual relationship to another person in the group. 

To be honest this one reminds me of living in community. 

To most people in my (middle-aged) circuit, the mention of polyamory is synonymous with swinging.

When I talk about the possibilities of ethical non-monogamy, most people are horrified and assume that I am plunging into a tepid spa pool with strangers every weekend.

For the record then, Swingers are people who have recreational sex with other people but do not necessarily pursue romantic or loving relationships with them. It's the lack of the love connection that really defines this scene. And hey, also the party atmosphere.

Swingers will also normally negotiate with their partners ahead of time - what practices are doable and what are not.