wtf is a twin flame?

"A twin flame is quite literally the other half of your ascended soul."


Twin Flame

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Restore your relationship to pleasure every time!

Just the other day I was walking on the moors with a girlfriend.

Having been married for 20 years, It is not unusual to find some of my younger girlfriends look at me with a mixture awe and wonder. Or else they just look at me with plain pity. This time, it was neither though - my girlfriend was just curious and hungry for a good story.

“How did you and Sean meet?” she asked as we walked.

And so I told her.

I told her how, by my mid 20s, I was renowned for always being the first to get naked at gatherings around the fire in the middle of the woods. It was like a badge of honour for me. Other people liked cider and weed. I liked to get my boobs out and recite poetry. 

a twin flame love story

But I told her how there was this one time. How a new young man joined the party: crusty dreadlocks, a small Dead Kennedys tattoo on his shoulder, deep brown eyes like a deer and a loud passion for veganism. I think it was summer solstice, or there was some other reason why a bunch of young people would be in the woods round a campfire drinking cider and reciting poems.

"It’s really quite a simple love story when I think about it" I told her. 

"A twin flame love story?"

"Well, my body was overcome with warmth when I saw him. I know that much" I said. "But then I Iooked away for a few minutes. I got distracted and forgot about him. When my gaze fell upon him again, I was amazed to see that something very significant had taken place...."

"What?!" My friend was eager..

"Well. When I turned around, I saw he was completely naked." I replied. "Before me. And just like that. Straight away. I knew he was mine."

so he was your twin flame?

“Ohhh I LOVE that story!" said my friend. "So he was your twin flame?” 

"Wellllll. No. Not really. I'm afraid I don’t do twin flames” I replied. 

Actually, I think my friend may have been a tad disappointed at that. Generally speaking, I find people either find the concept of twin flames creepy, or they find it absolutely adorable. And whilst I am guessing that my friend might have been more on the adorable spectrum,  I am most definitely somewhere on the creepy. 

Because that whole idea of one soul split into two and inhabiting another’s body and finding each other again? Honestly I just think it’s ewwww. The concept of a part of you being in another body? It reminds me of when you take psychedelics and look in the mirror. Big mistake right there. Creepy creep creep show.

the guy the dreadlocks the wedding

But let's get back to the guy with the dreadlocks.

His name was Sean.

And what did happen is that we started to hang out. I had taken my clothes off too at that party. We had danced around the fire. It was wild. It would have embarrassed the children.

As the weeks passed, the sense I had of having known him before just got more intense. Like, whenever he was around,  I felt I had arrived home. Like I knew him. Like it was  simple. He was safe for me like milk chocolate was safe for me.

We married, naturally. Not quite naked round the campfire, but almost.

Fast forward 20 years. I now coach people in sex and relationships, and one of my most consistent pleasures is helping couples to reconnect. Guiding people to take the steps to re-ignite the love is just an awesome job. Its almost an activism, of sorts. To help people remember how to love another. 

But of course, it’s not just my training and experience with clients that I bring to this job. Its also 20 years of marriage.

Turns out I may not believe in twin flames, but I am actually sucker for a romantic tale.


But romance is hard too, right? That twin flame sizzle very quickly turns to it's own particular brand of hellfire. Heat is heat is heat, after all. Initially attractive and full of turn on. Soon intense and scalding and bitter in the way it burns. Because it used to feel so good.

It didn't take Sean and I long to get to that point, if I am honest. 

Pretty soon, our coupledom descended also. At least for moments. And then as the pressure of life mounted, those moments became longer and more frequent.

In our desire to navigate the hellfire then, Sean and I soon took to researching and trying to find tools to keep our love sane and consistent. We wanted to show up for each other deeply. And in fact, we still do. 

Our research led us at some point to some very interesting schools of couples therapy: we tried Stan Tatkin's Couple Bubble process. We tried learning our attachments styles from Diane Poole Heller. And we also tried something called Imago.

In a nutshell, Imago therapy is a successful model for couples to work out their differences and come back to harmony in the relationship. Devised by Harville Hendrix, it is a system that is very similar to NVC or non-violent communication, but perhaps goes even deeper into developing your and your partner's capacity to actually understand one another. And to relate from a place of safety and trust.

Moreover, something Hendrix discovered which I really found fascinating - is that when he began to examine with couples the positive and negative traits of their parents, and then also to unravel what couples found most distressing about their current partners - he found that people almost universally attract a mate with the exact same traits of those they grew up with. And that it was often the negative traits that were the most influential factor in the initial attraction.

Now I don't know about you, but that pretty much writes off any twin flame shenanigans in one fell swoop for me. 

the search for your imago double

You might think of the imago as a silhouette with few distinguishing physical characteristics, but with the combined character traits of all your primary caretakers.


It sounds simple then - but it’s actually one of the hardest things you can ever do - is to see through the projections you place on your other half.

In fact, those feelings of familiarity with Sean? Like he was home? Like I knew him?

Well, in fact, I kind of did.

Fast forward all these years and he is the exact replica of a perfect hybrid of the worst aspects of my mother and father.

And vice versa. So I am to him.

All the places I felt violated. All the places he felt abandoned. All the places I felt like I didn't matter. All the places he felt over controlled. We serve it up for each other all the time, mostly without even realising.

It's a horror show.

But here's the deal.

If you can look it in the face. If you can step out of blame and start to take responsibility for how your own pain belongs to you, and how you did, actually choose each other, then you can start to reclaim your power to steer through this with mutual love, care and respect for the pain that has been caused. You can start to give a shit again.

I don't believe in the twin flame concept

So I don't believe in the twin flame concept.

I think - like the Imago model states - that you and your partner's subconscious behaviours literally recognise each other. You can feel each other's depths, and the nasty stuff feels like home. Which is both a recipe for love at first sight. And relational disaster.


Though take heart dear reader, because I never like to leave you on a down stroke. So I am compelled to reassure you that all this relational disaster? Honestly? It mostly doesn't matter. Unless your partnership is violent or abusive naturally, in which case you will want to find a way to leave. Other than that, relationship is simple. I have found this over the decades.

Relationship, like everything else that matters in life, takes practice. 

One step at a time. Every time. Resurrecting the connection from pain and back into pleasure.

It can be done.

I do it daily.

And so can you.

So much love to you, relational warriors.

Keep up the good fight.

Remember - your country needs you.

The world is falling apart.

Your relationship matters.

Julia Lally 2020

GRAB YOUR free copy!

7 Key steps to repairing conflict in your relationship quickly and easily. 

Download today, and learn these relational skills until they become like a natural muscle you can draw upon when you need them in difficult moments.

Restore your relationship to pleasure every time!

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This post was written by Julia