So this is a pretty damaging myth, and one that is heavy for women to bear. You may have heard your older female friends or relatives tell the tale of how they seemingly "disappeared in society" once they turned 50?

But the truth of the matter is that there is plenty of research that shows that women actually have better and better sex the older they get. And that this is in fact one of the best kept secrets in a woman's life.

It is certainly harder to talk about sex and sexuality and desire as you age. But it doesn't mean we should stop! And if my clientele is anything to go by (I have had women in my practice in their 60s and 70s come for sex coaching), then age is not a factor in us staying hungry for physical connection.

Plus - a relief to those of us who are ageing - the world is filling with female advocates for the continuation of sexual arousal. Leading the way for the rest of us, writers such as Nicole Daedone, Esther Perel or Regena Thomashauser for example. Showing us how sexy older age is done. Queenagers, basically.

I know lots of lots of women with insatiable sexual appetite. In fact, I frequently have coached couples where the man's physical desire and libido was the issue we worked with, not the woman's.

Think about you and your girlfriends for a moment. Picture you all hanging out over a glass (or three) of wine. What's the most likely subject you will get to?

Knitting patterns? Household chore hacks? Or sex.

Right. Thought so.

Perhaps it is less that we don't want sex then, as much as we are afraid we will be slut-shamed or somehow ex-communicated if we express that we do outside of our most trusted inner circles? Food for thought.

Not a book I particularly want to have on display if the vicar comes round for tea. (Or anyone from the schoolgate for that matter.) But Sex At Dawn is a revelation when it comes to an exploration of non-monogamy as a truly legitimate way to co-exist. The author likens human beings (male and female and all in between) as being like bonobo monkeys - his hypothesis being that, if we could fuck all the time, we literally would. That it is primarily social convention and control of women as property that prevents us from being more sexually liberated in this way.

I mean he has a point.

Personally speaking, I have played with both monogamy and non-monogamy in my life and relationships, and I can attest to the fact that both have their pros and cons. 

But the emancipation of women from being tied to their husbands as property at the very least means that - we get to decide.  Whatever works for you, sister witch.

Researchers at McGill University had an earth shattering result in their study, that showed women and men as taking exactly the same amount of time to reach full sexual arousal when watching porn. On average? Ten minutes. Wow!

Of course, there is more involved in getting in the mood than just genital arousal - I focus on this a lot with the couples I coach. It's really amazing how bad communication can breed distrust, for example. Which will often result in a lack of willingness to engage sexually, even if the genitals are ready. So men and women can find that there might be one foot on the accelerator (the genitals) and simultaneously one foot on the brake (the conflict zone), and that this will lead to different capacity to engage.

But it turns out that the accelerators in mean and women take roughly the same amount of time to prepare for sex. Interesting.

Another study with revelatory (or sadly perhaps not) results was one conducted by Chapman and Indiana Universities with the Kinsey Institute here. 52000 people of various genders and sexual identity took part in this study and it was found that, in terms of reliability of orgasm in sex, straight men came out on top with a whopping 95% rate. Shortly followed by gay men at 89%, lesbians at 86%. Bottom of the orgasmic heap however? Bisexual women or straight women climaxing at a rate of 67% and 66% respectively.

Oh dear.

It would seem that in straight sex, the women are not being served as well as they could. With many of them claiming that they are unable to orgasm from penetration. Or that there is simply not enough inclusion of the clitoris for them to get totally get off.

Doesn't mean they don't want to however. And my practice sees those women who want a better orgasmic deal all the time.  

No doubt you've seen the pictures of the full physiology of the clitoris. And how her tiny nub that shows through on a woman is just one very small portion of her structure? Well, the good news is that this organ, which has 8000 nerve ending embedded in it alone, is set up purely for your pleasure. And she's bigger than you thought. (Which means more pleasure than you thought, right?!)

It's interesting that up until only a few decades ago, we had absolutely no medical knowledge of this organ whatsoever. Indeed, she was commonly portrayed on anatomical diagrams as being a small button, completely separate from the rest of a woman's body. (A bit like the cervix, which was barely shown on diagrams of the nerve endings that related to her. You can read about that in my article here.)

Luckily for all of us, we know better now. (A fact that may even increase female orgasmic experience in heterosexual sex too, if we are committed to having our partners get to know her.)

Perhaps the most commonly asked question that clients bring me is this one - what's wrong with me?

And the answer every time?

There's nothing wrong with you, my dear. And there is everything wrong with the way we live. 

Women are expected to live in the zone that pleases only others. They are expected to perform to certain norms (especially during heterosexual sex. I mean, the results speak for themselves.) But the truth is that we are all different and we all have different turn ons and aversions too. Getting to know what yours are, getting in full approval of the unique way your sexuality wants to live, breathe and express itself, is a major key to you experiencing more joy in the bedroom.

People have written for evermore about the female orgasm. And we are lucky enough as women to be able to really draw upon a wealth of voices on the subject.

Nicole Daedone, the Moorhouse teachings, and others who teach orgasmic meditation or extended orgasm for example, talk about the benefits of extending the orgasmic state away from just climax. To the place where a woman can ride on waves of erotic sensation and bliss. These teachers liken orgasm to a kind of nutrient. And I am also schooled by these traditions and teach the same. To be able to cultivate a longer, mellower and more drawn out orgasm is akin to being the best wellbeing practice I have ever found. The sheer pleasure of it. The hormonal flooding that can literally rewire our bodies. Climax edging is a tool I use often with my clients.

Eastern sexual mystic traditions also focus a lot on this extension of orgasm into waves of bliss. Tantra brings us practices such as the microcosmic orbit, or the circulation of sexual energy through the body for wellbeing. Indeed, jade egg exercises - which come from Taoist China - focus on the building of a woman's sexual capacity as a tool for health and healing. (I run my six week group coaching programme JADE once a year which goes through all of these practices and you can get on the waitlist to know more HERE.)

It's worth mentioning here too that cervical orgasms are said to go on for longer. To be deeper, more surrendered and less explosive than their clitoral counterparts.  The seat of energy in tantric orgasms, cervical orgasmic experience is a whole other ball game.

Forget the pop culture around kink. This approach to sex can go deeeeep.

Some people are into rubber and leather and chains, granted. Nothing wrong if they are either. Kink couples of some of the most expressed, and relationally stable I have ever met. They know how to keep the container of their relationship safe and healthy more often than not because they are used to taking their sexual relating to extremes, where communication is essential.

 I am not a BDSM expert, and so I am not the place to come if you want to explore kink in your relationship. Howevr, I am trained in polarity. Which means that I understand the subtle art of penetration and surrender and I am very well versed in helping my clients play with these twin poles. I often recommend playing with these polarities if your relationship feels stuck and stagnant. And dominant and submissive states of attention can really and truly bring the electricity flooding back.