The first step to learning how to cum more is to reframe the idea that orgasm is just a nice to have. Like a nice food treat that we may or may not choose to indulge in over Netflix at 10pm when the kids are finally asleep or the work files finally shut down.

Instead:

We need to place a value on our pleasure.

We have to prioritise it as women.

There is a reason why feminine pleasure has been written out of medical text books, religious philosophy and in arts and culture (where it is mostly portrayed from a male point of view.) And that is because pleasure - and especially our orgasm - puts us directly into our bodies. Indeed, in full blown climax, all cognition and control momentarily shuts down as we experience deep states of ecstacy and surrender as our bodies take over. (If we are lucky enough to have access to this experience of course - and more on that later.)

For now though I'd like you to consider that a fully embodied woman is a powerful force indeed. Bring one to mind if you can. Can you think of a deeply embodied woman in your life?

Tell me now - do you think you could fuck with that woman?

I doubt it.

Orgasm is the most potent embodiment force we have. And therefore its like plugging into your power source every time you access it. It literally reminds you where your true home is.

Truly, one of the most powerful things you can do when learning how to cum more is to let your orgasm unfold as she wants to. Your body really does contain an innate blueprint to sexual health and vitality - if only you would stop to hear her whispering to you.

We live in such a goal orientated society - and this runs deep when it comes to our sexuality too. As women we often feel we need to please or to perform for our partners.

But the power of orgasm lies in our letting go of control. And the more we can relax and let our bodies lead us deeper and deeper into release, the more we can ultimately receive from life.

Having the goal to cum more is sometimes useful - but more often than not goals can be the rhythms that we punish ourselves against as women.

I am not saying lose your focus or direction, I am simply putting forward the theory that your power as a woman lies very much in the state of surrender. In the letting go and the learning to receive. In the innate wisdom of where your body is trying to gently lead you . 

Stop seeing power as a drive, and reframe it as a deep state of flow WHICH COMES TO YOU when you let go of the pursuit of it.

Just like your orgasm.

Make it a daily practice to tune in and send your pussy some love.

No doubt you and she have been through a few things.

There are a million ways you can do this, one of my favourites is:

Place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly and just breathe. Allow yourself to ground and relax and then begin expanding the sense you get in your heart. Keep breathing and allowing this heart breath to grow richer and fuller and maybe warmer. When it feels right, send some of this love from your heart down to your pussy as you exhale. Imagine it travelling down from your heart to your pussy like a light beam. Smile gently as you do this. Keep going until you sense that your pussy is full and sated. Fully nourished.

Do this as many times a day as you like. Heck, if you really want to you and she could even try the odd conversation. (She tends to know best btw.)

Oh gosh really? Like ALL? Yup.

Sensation is not discerning. It's a pretty back and white situation in that generally speaking we can either feel or not feel as a default setting. What this means, is that if we begin to numb down the less than pleasant sides of our feeling nature, running away from fear or anxiety or sadness or loneliness for example, we can hardly expect to be able to open up when the good stuff arrives.

Numbness is a pretty all encompassing state.

And not conducive to power OR to orgasm, let's face it.

Because if we cannot feel ourselves, we literally have no agency over knowing what we want. In the bedroom or outside of it. Without our felt sense we are more prone to mishap and mistaken directions. More likely to waste our time and energy getting lost. We become highly ineffective. If we exist like this as women, perhaps its true to say that this rudderlessless serves society in some way. As we can get on with the job of looking after the needs of others as our primary focus rather than creating a destiny and life of our own choosing.

In fact, our being prepared to feel is in direct contradiction to social servitude. It's a direct route back to ourselves and to our power.  Of course, we also find that the more sensate focus we have within our own bodies, the more orgasmic our pleasure is too.  So then bringing some attention to the sensations you feel in your body on a daily basis is a great practice to ameliorate both.

Try describing out loud what sensations you are experiencing as you touch yourself. Even better, speak out loud your felt sense during self-pleasure. You don't need to do this every time or for the duration of your self-pleasure session. Just building an awareness of the felt sense will help amplify it. And everything will benefit as a result.

Naturally once you are more practiced at FEELING, what tends to arise next is a stronger, more vocal and generally more robust desire muscle.

In other words, if you were to ask your average woman on the street what they want. What they really really want? More often than not you will find a delayed response. A kind of apathy sets in. An "errrrrr."

Not so for the woman who is regularly practicing orgasmic pleasure. Or tuning in to have that infamous conversation with her pussy I mentioned previously.

Neither so for the woman who has a regular sensation practice.

Because a woman who is brave enough to open up the feeling sense in her body will tend to develop a pretty effective way of knowing what she wants. Like compass that twitches into action as soon as we ask it to. And don't forget, that knowing what you want is a rapid route to power. Because how can you even go about creating a life you truly want to lead, if you don't even know what that is in the first place?

Here's a pretty gorgeous orgasmic power practice for you:

Ask yourself frequently what you want. Feel the sensation of that. Is that really what you want or not? Keep asking. Your body will always respond well to attention. Then - try acting on the desire. Just do it. See what happens to your felt sense. And then repeat!

As it happens, you have a whole orgasmic geography within your body - both on a physical level (there is heaps of erectile tissue in your sex organs and beyond) and also on an energetic level (think kundalini, prana etc.)  

But the central focus of the entire network - a bit like the lead guitarist in a rock ensemble - is the humble clitoris.

The word clitoris stems from the ancient Greek word for key, and this little organ is the key to your pleasure for sure. (And if for some reason you don't know where it is - google is your friend. Do your research and find it.)

And definitely definitely never gloss over it. There are 8000 nerve endings in your clit alone (8 times more than the erect penis), and so she deserves a little attention don't ya think?! Basically the longer you or your partner spends on your clit, the more your genitals will arouse and the deeper your pleasure will be. It can help to self-pleasure with the clitoris as a part of your orgasmic practice.

I recommend some lube or oil that you love, and to gently tend to the clitoris for 10-15 minutes without any expectation of "going over" or climaxing. Just let the sensation in this very sensitive spot lead. Try different strokes - both of pressure, intensity and speed. Really experiment to see what she likes.

The clitoris is actually an amazing tool for self-soothing too. If ever you feel anxious, depressed, overwhelmed or even panic-stricken. Try lubing your clit and stroking gently into pleasure. I swear I have used this to bring myself down from a panic attack. It is super soothing to do and will flood your system with the feel good love hormone oxytocin.

Don't forget - power is the ability to self-regulate. And your clit can help enormously with this. All in all a very handy little tool!

Here's a truly amazing fact - there are certain areas of the body that are surrounded by a sphincter like ring of muscles.

According to Sheri Winston in her amazing book "Women's Anatomy of Arousal", once one set of such muscles begins to open in the body, then through some kind of communication mechanism, all the other types of muscles in the body follow suit and do the same!

What makes this even more incredible is that both the throat and the vagina are surrounded by these types of muscles. And so if you relax one set the others automatically relax too. This explains the age old saying that if you can relax and free the throat then the vaginal muscles will open (as anyone who has sounded during given birth will attest too.)

This also might explain why sounds during sex amplify your orgasmic experience so profoundly. Or indeed, as your vaginal muscles relax and let go into pleasure, you cannot help but open your throat and let the sounds out also. How awesome is that!

I am going to recommend you try self-pleasure with sound release. Really allow yourself to let go. Let your voice come out as it will. And see what happens to your pleasure as a result.

I think the first thing I would like to say about containers is that THEY ARE INCREDIBLY HOT.

Good containers always engender a sense of safety to our nervous systems, and having them in place is not only a mark of respect for yourself, but will also encourage your orgasmic power to deepen into a much more profound state of surrender. And what's not to love about that?

Great container practice might be for example - setting a time limit to your play and sticking to it. Or deciding that, come what may, you will not climax this time.

What restrictions might turn you on to play with?

If you are really clever here (but with no expectation obviously), you might design a container or boundary so delightful that your orgasm will enrage to break free of it. And those kinds of games are a delight to play. (They certainly beat the oft self-imposed pressure to climax, for example.)

But for some, containers and boundaries are even more necessary. Whether there is sexual abuse in your experience or not, any kind of boundary violation can set us up to disembody. It's like we become hard wired to disappear and -  in orgasm as in life - the power to say yes OR no gets sucked out of us.

The good news is, these kinds of things are totally reversible with time, self-love and the right kinds of practices. And for sure playing with containers can be a very important route back to self-empowerment and turn on.