One of my leading tenets of coaching is to always refer back to and include the edges of our nervous systems. Because health and happiness generally do not occur when we leap too far over our edges too quickly. This is never more so than with anger. Because of it's sheer power, if we are unable to stay grounded and attuned to our bodies as anger arises, we are actually more likely to flip and lose control of ourselves.

Having a reliable sense of personal attunement will help us stay in control. It's like - imagine you were riding a wild horse. You wanna stay on top of that horse. You wanna stay centred as that wild horse runs. 

So that's the why. As to the how?

You tell me! What practices do you have to relax and ground your nervous system? Likelihood is you have at least one. So building capacity is just that - developing your capacity to stay centred on that wild horse, one practice session at a time.

The rage must work for everyone in the room or it works for no-one at all.

Anger must be done in relationship or it will harm.

Always. 

So in my world, it is actually never okay to use anger to "get your point across" to the detriment of another's inner equilibrium. This is, in a world full of righteous expression, not a popular view I'll admit.

Yet I have learned this the hard way on both sides of the fence. I have both victimised others in my angry righteousness, and also felt victimised by the angry righteousness of others when they use subtle violence to try and "make me see." 

"You MUST listen, Julia" says they.

"Fuck off", says I.

It's a pretty simple natural law to behave like this. Force begets force. Sadly, even if you're right, this principle will still apply.

Yet the world we live in is enraging for sure. And the sheer slowness of the pace that the human nervous system needs to work at in the face of the urgent need for change across so many of our political, social and relational systems, can be frustrating to say the least. You might even say our limitations in this field are deadly when it comes to issues of race or gender oppression.

It's just - what's the alternative? Because victim becomes violator at the touch of a button when our mutual human responsibility to use our rage well is misplaced, this tension between the need for social and political change and the need of the nervous system to go slow and integrate in relationship must be handled. If we align with this principle to "do no harm" I believe it is a challenge we can conquer as human beings. In fact we must.

Both parties listening deeply is what is needed for us to succeed in the face of rage. This is nuanced and advanced work.

Ok so small caveat to the above nuanced interplay.

You also need to know when not to give a shit about hurting others with your anger too.

Anger is there to primarily defend you from a boundary violation.

The problem a lot of women have is that - even after we have been subjected to violence - a kind of learned self-censoring comes in. Because we have been conditioned to please rather than to defend.

Defense is sometimes necessary, however.

I believe there is a time and a place for knowing how and when to take another out. This can be physically as in self-defence. This could be conversationally. This could be energetically. 

There are times when we must stop accommodating another and just basically use our rage to cut them dead. There are times we don't need to give a shit about anything but our own sovereignty, and anger is helpful here. (Just, use this sparingly and don't get stuck here, okay?)

Both my tantra and trauma trainings have taught me the importance of letting my body move to help with all this. If you find your anger rising - as it will as you begin to get into a deeper relationship with yourself and the world - then there needs to be a way for you to move this powerful energy through. Movement is a route into taking responsibility for yourself.

Because the last thing you want is to have anger get stuck. It's like having a tornado inside that can't get out. The havoc such unleashed power can have on a woman's body mind is not to be underestimated. My trauma teacher. Irene Lyon, likens this type of dysregulation to like living with one foot on the gas and one foot hard on the brake. Imagine the sheer strain of inhabiting a body like that? At some point it's gonna wear out, just Like Gabor Mate writes.

Personally, movement has been my hardest lesson. I have never been naturally inclined to move. And my body and peace of mind and health has definitely suffered as a result. I encounter daily resistance to my movement practice. There is a big part of me that feels more than happy to stick with a tight, constricted, silently raging and occasionally explosive system.

So how does your rage want to move? Start small if need be. Tune into your body and see if you can locate a small patch of sensation that feels like it might be anger. See if it lives in an organ typically, or a muscle. Or if it is more transient and just skirts around your system looking for a home.

And once you have located something inside that feels like it might contain a bit of natural rage, ask it to direct a movement. Could be a small flick of the wrist. Could be running round the block. Just let it begin to move and experience how very freeing that can be.

Learning to help your anger move is a key to mastering it, and having it direct your life in a healthy way.

(Top tip: music can really help with this exercise. Anger is a great dancer I have found.)

You will probably find, as I have, that your rage is deeply animalistic.

Never does that become more obvious than when you open your mouth and let the anger sounds come out.

Not every woman has this issue I know - but for many of us the idea of taking up vocal space  with our anger is really difficult. We worry about what will happen if we make too much noise. Or noise of a particular type. (ie non harmonious or aggressive.) We feel afraid that we will get punished, or discovered, or cause offence or thought mad or (insert your own version.)

I have found a few antidotes to overcome this problem - firstly, I can warn people that it is about to happen. Kind of like: "hey guys, just to let you know, I am about to have a rage fest in my bedroom, it's cool, will probably last 10-15 mins."

Secondly, I have several safe spaces in which I feel very free to let the anger reign - in the car is an obvious one for me. Preferably with the tunes turned right up. Into a pillow can also feel strangely comforting and releasing. And last but not least, I have been known to run a bath and to scream into the tub of water.

Anything that works for you, to be honest.

(One other quick point about sounding anger. Sometimes she isn't animal like at all. Sometimes she just knows what she wants and gets down to asking for it.)

But what to do if you have virtually no recourse to the emotion of anger within?

This is a really good exercise to try if you are the kind of woman who's like: "Moi? Angry? No I never feel angry".  And you would like to have a go at trying to access more of your anger for power.

Get yourself a pen and paper and start a relationship with your inner bitch.

If this is a struggle for you. I suggest you think about a woman or two in your life that your truly and deeply judge. Could be a public figure. Could be a family member who everyone labels outrageous and selfish, including you. Could be anyone you disapprove of. 

Start writing to them. Ask them what they want. See what they have to say. See what you have to say.

My point is, some innate anger will no doubt be found at some point here, and you can use this to try playing with some of the other exercises in this article.

Most of the things that have been done by women we admire, have been done by women who were unafraid to be totally badass and absolutely masterful with their rage.

They got demanding. They got slutty. They got outraged. They got super focussed. They took up space vocally in some way and got opinionated. They laughed in the face of idiocy. THEY REFUSED to comply.

Who can you think of to take inspiration from in this arena? 

Putting your attention on this is another great way to approve of your own anger in order to start developing a better relationship with it within.

Getting physical and relational with our anger in a safe way is super healing.

This is a really cool little trick that helps facilitate anger without causing any harm to a consensual player. Find a willing arm and place your hands on it!

Begin to tune into your anger and start to channel it into your hands, and as you feel it rise start tightening your grip. Raise the energy and grip as hard as you possibly can. 

Begin sounding if needed.

You will find that however extreme you make that squeeze, it is pretty much impossible to hurt the person's arm. This can become a really safe way to move anger through the system then. And especially so because it moves anger in relationship. Even more healing.

Another cool hack when you have to move the anger through and when there is no willing partner to work with.

Take a towel or a large piece of cloth and twist it. 

Then begin twisting it with the power of your fury.

If it helps. you can focus on the sheer fragility of the neck of your perpetrator. And pretend that the cloth you are twisting is the neck of that person.

Keep twisting, baby.

(Fierce!)

Angergasms are a thing, don't you know?

I'm a sex and relationship coach (as you may or may not have read on my site.) Generally speaking, when I work with women, I am interested in helping them liberate their power through regular pleasure practices.

Strange as it may seem, anger is often an emotion that begins to surface when we start opening up more orgasmically.

Perhaps you have experienced this?  That moment where on an unsuspecting partner, the rage/orgasm/fury suddenly unleashes with a spectacular climax?

Well, whether you have or have not, I advise to start playing with this during self-pleasure to begin with. Start sounding your anger as you move your sexual energy, and see where it goes. Coupling the sensation of gentle pleasure with more easily suppressed emotions such as anger, can wire whole new connections in the brain. Suddenly, we can become more comfortable with our anger as a result. She can seem more friendly to us and therefore become more accesible when we need her. A good result all round.

(And if you are interested in finding more about how to access deeper and more powerful states of orgasm, you can have a look at my 6 week online course here.)

So anger is a very volatile and powerful emotion. That needs to move, as we have explored.

They key is, once you have found greater access to your anger, and you have learned to handle her well, the main question I always ask clients is - what do you want to use her FOR?

Because of course you can actually use your rage for massive good in your life, and this isn't as hard as it might sound.

Anger has so much power behind it energetically, that when you stop pushing it down, or binge-eating it into slumber, or (insert your own typical tool of anger control here), you might start finding that you have immense amounts of energy at play in your life again.

I recommend you get creative with this energy. Where can you use your energy to help in your life?

Here's a little story as an example.

I have struggled with inflammation based health issues for much of my life. (You too? Ah okay. There's lots of us.) Now. One thing that helps is to keep my diet very low in sugar and carbs. Oh and cheese. Which is a total bummer.

Often I find myself in front of the refrigerator reaching for the pasta. Or the camembert. Sometimes I do succumb, I'll admit. But the rest of the time a quiet rage begins to bubble up in me. And I anchor there. Because I do NOT want to go down the road of daily medication again. I do NOT want to end up in hospital with a severe flare up because I thought camembert was more important every day for a month.  I do NOT want my life to be like that.

Rage reminds me. 

Stop. 

Put your energy behind what you want, Julia. It whispers. Stay awake.

And I love my rage for that, I really really do.

So I have written about the arc of exalted emotions before in this blog post here. You can check out how this range of emotion from negative to positive can apply through a whole smorgasboard of emotional expression.

For the purposes of this article however, we are talking about anger.

Let's just consider it for a moment. In it's most debased form (all too often unfortunately), anger can be used to attack, blame, criticise, hate. It is potentially why anger has got such a bad rap when you think about it.

However, if you really tune into your anger and into what it is trying to give you as a gift, you may find as I did that it is actually full of love.

Like the voice that stops me making harmful choices at the refrigerator. Anger is full of love.

When used in it's exalted form, anger can get you very very close to what you want. Ultimately, anger does not want to waste your time having you feel fiercely over just anything. It wants you feeling fiercely about that which you are totally passionate about.

And perhaps that is anger's greatest gift to us in the end.

It is very loud and clear about exactly what you give a shit about.

Super cool things like your health. Your sovereignty or choice. Your capacity to help and make an impact in this poor, struggling world. Your desire to protect and nurture.

The point is:

Are you willing to listen to it?

Are you willing to master it?

Are you willing to love it and let it love you?