WHAT WAS YOUR BEST ORGASM EVER LIKE?

The classic question that never gets old:

How was it for you, dear?

Did you lose the capacity to speak or hear? Did you see colours, shapes or visions? How about that feeling of floating through universe? Did you weep?  Or perhaps your orgasm was more like a scratch to an itch - like a kind of semi-climactic tickle? 

On the other hand, maybe your orgasm is painful? (Which is hard and, if you are a woman who experiences a lot of pain during sex I would love you to take heart. Relief and healing is out there and possible for you.) Or maybe you have never climaxed and have no idea what orgasm is for your body? (Also, take heart, because it's probably closer than you think. Read on.)

Regardless of all the above however, and wherever you are (or think you are) on the orgasmic scale - here is something I know.....

There is no scale.

Orgasm is different for every woman

YOU ALREADY OWN YOUR ORGASM

In fact, I would go so far as to say that every orgasm itself is different. Even in the same woman's body.

Which, in many ways, I find a relief. I mean, no stick to measure my orgasm against then? No notches I can rack up? No stories of "look at me just how orgasmic I am"? Yup. That's right. Feels tantalisingly ........free......... if you ask me.

I remember one of my former lovers as an example of this kind of self-censoring score card that often gets thrown at us in the bedroom.

"I wanna make you come" he would say. Over and over. And every time I didn't.

I mean, bless him he was actually a really amazing and attentive lover - actually one of my best and favourites. But my climax? It was like it was badge of honour to him. Unfortunately, this only made my climax fall farther and farther out of reach for me. I never did give him the prize he so sought from my body.

Perhaps this is because of the one thing I have discovered in all my years of coaching women around pleasure and sex, and that is that the female orgasm will not be owned - (except by the woman of course.) And if we think about it, our orgasm is the part of us least willing to conform to expectation - even ours. 

As such, our orgasmic pleasure also brings rewards. She is a vast cavern of wilderness that still lives within us if we approach her right.

approve of her as she is

So what is the best way for us to approach our orgasm then?

In my experience, the first step - approve of her as she is. Exactly as she is. (Even if she's currently hiding.)

Self-approval is generally our most oft-needed ninja power as women. But when it comes to our sex? I would go so far as to say that self-approval is pretty much the lock and key to a whole new dimension.

Which can be a lot harder than it sounds because of said conditioning. As women, time and time again we find it hard to ask for what we want and receive it. And that goes for our entire lives, but especially during sexual acts.

And yet, if we are not in approval of who we are and what we might want or need in any given moment, then a deep and primal part of our body actually locks up. If we slip out of integrity and begin to hide behind performance, it's not just our sex that shuts down - it is in fact our entire nervous system.

To live in such a way not only does not feel safe. It actually isn't safe. We begin to numb out and dissociate. We don't follow our instincts. And we become involved in addictive, spiralling patterns.

Yet it stands to reason then that our orgasm - more than any other facet of our mind and body - actually needs safety to emerge. Let alone to blossom and flourish.

Unfortunately, a lot of women can find this hard. Performing to keep others happy feels like it has infiltrated our very DNA.  I mean - how do you perform in your sex life, for example? Have you ever faked it? (I faked it once. Afterwards, I felt like I might have to destroy something, and so I never did it again.)

THE ANATOMY OF YOUR BEST ORGASM EVER

OK so I am going to come back to this concept of nervous system safety - because it is absolutely crucial to the way our brains work during sex.

But first let's have a look at the rest of our sexual anatomy. It is important to understand the actual plethora of pleasure available to us as women - fundamentally built in. 

For starters, I recommend you read the classic book by Sheri Winston  - Women's Anatomy of Arousal. - if you wish to dive a bit more deeply into this. It's enough for me to say however, that the entirety of our genitals is a an interweaving of muscles and tissues designed for reproduction - AND feelgood.

We have several areas of erectile tissue available to us, for example. The clitoris being maybe the most famous and liberated and easily accessed. But also the oft- sought after g-spot, which can lead to a deep sense of pleasure and also the kind of squirting that women frequently hope to achieve if they climax. (Beware this performance criteria too. Perhaps I am behind the times. But I literally hadn't even heard of squirting until I was in my 40s. And then I was like - ohhhhhh - and all that time I just thought I had urinary incontinence?! Then  followed the temptation to turn squirting into a goal. And my orgasm does not appreciate goals, as I have mentioned.)

But we don't need to stop at the g-spot either.

Because it turns out we have erectile tissue that can be felt and made contact with from inside the anus. As well as orgasmic potential in the ever so tender, deep and sometimes delicate cervix. (Ouch. Smear tests and cervical lazering anybody?)

So the whole genital system in fact moves, responds to, and anticipates,  sexual pleasure. 

Consider yourself in the possession of a smorgasbord.

but.... it hurts 🙁

All of this may rub some salt in the wound so to speak if you know what's available to you down there, but your muscles only seem to bring you pain, discomfort, or a sense of numbness.

You might understandably feel more than a little hard done by, if this is the case.

Of course, there are as many reasons for genital pain as there are genitals. And I am firmly of the belief that helping release and cure women from painful sex should be a truly holistic process - one that works physiologically, emotionally and energetically.

A lot can be done in terms of relaxing and strengthening your sexual organs however. As everything is held together and largely constructed of musculature. And with the right care and attention - and practice - muscles can be repaired and released. 

I have met many women who have cured themselves of vaginal and vulva pain. There really is hope for you if this is something your sex is currently struggling with. (Jade egg tends to be my clients' favourite tool for gently, gently releasing problems. And if you are troubled by pain and want to know how I can help, please get in touch with me for a free 45 minute consultation call here.)

male vs female orgasm

But remember how we talked about female orgasm and safety? And how important it is for a woman to feel good in her own body in order to be able to truly let go into pleasure? (In other words, the urge to perform literally short cuts pleasure as it has us hiding and feeling unsafe.)

Well, personally speaking, this is where orgasm gets super interesting to me.

Because more and more studies are happening all the time into the nature of female pleasure. (A positive move, indeed. And late coming. Like our understanding of the full anatomic nature of the clitoris - only released in Helen O'Connell's revolutionary paper in 1998!)) 

But. Don't get me started. Research is happening now and that is a good thing.

And the research is truly fascinating - bearing up much of our experience as women of orgasm to date.

For example, if you watch the video above you will see a cute animation based on the PET scan research of the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, which found that certain parts of the brain actually completely shut down during the absolute peak of orgasm.

This is fascinating stuff.

Because the areas of our brain responsible for making decisions and taking control (the neo-cortex), and the part of our brain responsible for fight or flight (the amygdala) basically turn off when our climax is activated.

Consider a woman in a state of ongoing nervous system arousal - or fight/flight. Such a woman is not rare (in fact I consider myself as having been in this category for decades until I started reclaiming my sexuality.) 

Such a state of permanent, low-key scanning for danger is not conducive to the kind of deep, orgasmic surrender that these studies have measured. I would even argue that it might be the sexual disease of our times - that women are stuck in hyper vigilance, completely unable to let go and let the pleasure take them. (Which is precisely why I consider my job a type of activism, for example. Teaching women to gradually, and with great care (approval), unblock that freeze and let the orgasmic surrender take place.)

If a woman spends most of her life feeling unsafe, then those parts of the brain that keep her alive (as far as she is concerned) will not turn off quite so easily, and climax is evaded.

It is also interesting to consider that female orgasm is on average twice as long as a man's. Meaning perhaps that in evolutionary terms, to have a man's vigilance centre turned down to zero for too long would really have meant actual danger to the tribe. No longer scanning the environment for threat, but surrendering into deep chasms of ecstasy, was probably not for the evolutionary win.

This is another way in which female orgasm is a blessing then, in my opinion.

We get to go under. For longer. And deeper.

And that is hot.

ORGASM AS A STATE OF BEING

Just when I thought things were really getting good, I began to discover that it is possible to take this orgasm stuff even further.

My discovery of orgasm as a state, or as a path, started when I got involved with Orgasmic Meditation . (This is the 15 minute meditation where a woman's clitoris is stroked under no goal or pressure of returning the favour. What's not to love?)

But this concept of "orgasm as a prolonged state" went even deeper when I traced the lineage all the way back to its' Californian roots and Victor Boranco and the Moorhouse community. (Or Wild West coast sex cult. Depending on your opinion.)

My studies into the field of tantra also brought me across teachers  who named this "orgasm as a state of being" as a part of their spiritual practice and path. Orgasmic pleasure, it would seem, was something that could be elongated and incorporated into a lifestyle.

My curiosity was piqued. I innately understood that my sexual surrender was a source of my power. As such, and as I began to explore further, I found that my pleasure was indeed a potent healing balm. As I worked to undo C-Ptsd and the effects upon my brain and nervous system that prevented me living my life on purpose and in true flow for several decades, I began to use pleasure more and more to bring body out of a freeze state. To open and turn on the ventral vagal - or social engagement - part of my nervous system. (Aka - SAFETY.)

Some may call this "my feminine". But for sure, the more I relax and let my sex out, the more sensual pleasure I bathe in on a moment to moment basis, the happier, more fulfilled and more communicative about my needs I actually am.

Sex and orgasm is not just about letting go for a few seconds of bliss then. It can also literally be used as a navigation tool. A rudder to help us navigate tricky times.

INCREASING YOUR ORGASMIC EXPERIENCE

Let's conclude then, that wherever you are on your pleasure path as a woman, there really are tried and tested ways to ramp up your orgasm game.

Starting gently is key. Starting with full approval for what is. Your pussy will not respond to being pushed - safety is the bedrock of orgasm as we discussed. Your vigilance system will not turn off just because you bark at her to do so.

Instead -  start listening.  Start there.

Once in an orgasm class, I was taught the analogy of a wiggly line when it came to female orgasm. 

I had a huge realisation in that moment that I'd been trying to fit my experience of my turn on into what was really nothing more than a masculine orientated linear path to ejaculation. In other words - in my journey to complete orgasmic surrender - the waves of pleasure will rise and fall. It's not like you just flick a switch of my orgasm and she takes off like a slow, gradual but inevitable rocket. (Like every man I slept with.)

No. My orgasm will take twists and turns. She is intriguing. She will keep you paying attention. Think of the rope rather than the linear line. She goes up, she goes down. She goes around. And unfortunately if you just expect her to come up a flat graph line with you in a smooth and easy fashion? Well, she just gets lost along the way.

I have dedicated my life to her now, if I am honest. I am learning to follow her impulse to orgasm, not anybody else's.

She's wild. Non-conformist. She is mad. She's the insanity and the salvation all rolled into one.

And I love her.

I am willing to let her lead.