Anger, Power and Other Confusions – Part 1

Lots of people have told me I’m an angry woman. I’m afraid of my power, apparently. They tell me I’m like a volcano about to go off – that there is this latent aura of aggression about me which has everyone around me treading on eggshells. Quite often they are shouting at me when they tell me this. Angrily.

As a woman I find all this terribly confusing. 

I mean there seems to me to be serious hazards in holding one’s anger back, right? Better out than in as it were. Anger is regularly cited as being emotionally toxic. Relationships that descend into anger all the time are destructive and harmful and fall apart. Children suffer when their parents fight too much.

Everyone knows people whose gradual descent into bitterness ends up making them ill. Literally sick with themselves. Probably your mum was just like that. I know my mum is. And my grandmother was even worse – pinching her rage in on herself. Occasionally shouting at Trevor McDonald on the news because – well basically he was a black man.

Hubble, bubble boil and trouble. The anger lives on in me in it’s own particular way. Pushing and pulling. I find myself yearning for the place and the people who are finally able to receive me and my anger. The places where I can finally let it out for the sake of my sanity and my health. And yet at the same time I put a lid on this emotion. Because at worst it hurts people. At best it pisses them off. 

Feminism has one approach to this dilemma it would seem – its called “bring the rage on”. Who even cares if it pisses them off? And this is one of the ways in which feminism works for us as it gives voice to this tricky emotion. It nods its sage head in agreement. Rightly so because well-channelled anger has created so much positive change in our world. Those moments when individuals and society stood up and said no. No way. Enough. Feminism is where we find approval of our rage.

But is feminism providing us enough? 

Anger trumps fear:

Okay I am going to talk about energy vibrations. So if you think vibrations are not a thing you best take your leave of me before you start to get angry. But if we’re talking vibrational energy levels, as a vibration surely anger is much better state to inhabit than fear? How would you rather deal with someone who was trying to harm you for example? Tell them to take a run and jump? Give them a slap and push them into the nearest waterway? Or are you the type who would rather smile and accept the transgression? It’s common to know women who opt more often than not for the latter. I am – though ashamed to admit it – often a woman like that myself. Conditioned to behave. I smile and I fake it. I people please. So if anger and fear are my only options – then plainly anger is by far the better choice for the modern woman. At least it means I’m not a complete an utter walkover.

The trouble is that anger and fear occupy almost identical territory. By now the brain science is well known. I’ve read scores of articles citing that the science that tells us that anger and fear live in our primal, reptilian brain. No wonder I oscillate then. No wonder I feel conflicted. No wonder I rage and then I feel bad. No wonder there is a push and pull. It’s like two incompatible bedfellows fighting over the same kingsize duvet. It’s brain chemistry FIGHT. Or its brain chemistry FLIGHT. Only one hormone’s gonna get comfortable. 

So here’s the catch as far as I’m concerned – we are distracted by all this. Which is genuinely a shame because there is another way. There is literally another part of the brain and another dimension of existence entirely sat there ready for our habitation. It’s time to step into it. 

Anger is a powerful emotion. But it isn’t power. 

As women I believe we have been making a classic mistake. Over and over. I actually fell for a false promise – I believed anger was the source of my power. And for sure it feels like power. I mean everyone’s running away. I am ostensibly safe from harm. Look how powerful I feel when I finally unleash it.

And yet – I have discovered that true power is something way deeper and way more terrifying than the capacity to make things explode. 

Anyone can set a bomb off. Some people are better at this than others, granted. My husband will tell you I am pretty good. But show me the people who can give and receive love. Show me the people who can navigate the stormy seas of relating to real life human beings and coming up for air every now and again without drowning. To them I give my attention.

It’s been my personal experience that there is a place beyond living pure fight or flight where I can negotiate and communicate. My boundaries are in tact and healthy – yet fluent. I know I’m out of the anger/fear dilemma when my boundaries are leading to more connection rather than the erection of walls that anger tends to put up. There’s an inner peace in this place. A power to create a life I want. Simply a power.

Categorised in: Feminine Power

This post was written by Julia