The Crone Years: Sex and Menopause

sex and menopause

sex and menopause

Don't get me wrong - I am a fan of guest posting. If someone asks me to write them an article or to do a podcast, then I am all up for that. Sisterhood for the win. (And the website backlinks are appreciated too as any SEO nerds will appreciate.)

However - it does slightly annoy, I'll admit - when time after time podcaster approaches me and asks if I will collaborate on a piece about sex and ageing. The Crone Years. Whichever way they phrase it, it sounds the same to me. In fact it sounds a bit like:

You look like you're getting on a bit, Julia.

Therefore would you like to talk about how that impacts your sex life?

podcasts where i speak about sex and menopause

Here's the thing.

I am ageing. Right now far enough into perimenopause that I've stopped grieving about the fact I am losing my periods, and started getting frustrated at when the bleeding will stop already. 'Cos I got my Second Spring to be getting on with.

However - just because I am ageing. Does not mean the only thing I am able to talk about it SEX AND AGEING.

You feel me?

And just in case you're interested in listening to me on any of these podcasts, you can find a couple of links below:

what changes can i expect as a result of sex and menopause?

The first thing to tell you is that actually some things get better when it comes to sex and ageing. (Bet nobody told you that, did they?) I know you may have heard all the horror stories about low libido and vaginal dryness and all those things. But in fact my experience has led me to be able to tell you the following:

1) You will squirt more easily (and no it is not urinary incontinence. It's relaxation);

2) You don't fuck around with what you want (you have literally no time or bandwidth left to perform in bed for others. You don't stand a chance of competing with other women anymore anyway. You have no standards you have a chance of really living up to, so why even bother?)

3) Your radiance will still attract others (turns out is really is an energetic thing. Which you can tend to and nurture and turn on and off at will. Which is a fun game, natch.)

4) You no longer have to worry about bleeding (all those times when sex on your period seemed like a bad idea, or felt uncomfortable to you? They rarely interfere. And once through the gates of peri-menopause fully, they won't interfere at all.)

Ok. Perhaps some of those has piqued your interest? Perhaps some have made you wriggle a bit? Because it isn't comfortable to imagine old women in bed, I get that. It's much easier to imagine them hunching over a cauldron boiling reptiles and casting curses against the younger fillies.

But the truth is? If you are still interested in sexual pleasure, then the fact is you can have it.

sex and menopause discussion at the obgyn

"There is absolutely no need for you to stop having a sex life" said my obgyn recently when I went for my routing check up.

Er... thanks.

'Cos actually I hadn't asked about that.

But of course, she was more aware than most of the kind of problems and issues that can plague women as they exit their menstruating years and how that can affect their sex life. 

1) Low libido (It is true that when your hormones are running riot and trying to stabilise themselves to lower levels, you may well feel less inclination towards romps in the bedroom)

2) Less sensation (It is true that things can feel a little stale and undernourished down there)

3) Vaginal dryness (Terrible. But true.)

4) Pain (Oh God no this one is also strange but true. Pain where pain there never was before.)

5) Prolapse or incontinence. (Kill me now.)

want more? Listen to this week's podcast about sex and ageing here


how to become more sexually active during sex and menopause

Okay here's the good news. 

There is a lot that can be done.

Wanna know my top 3 ways to help myself get in the mood and get it on when I do? You are welcome:

1) Lube - truth is, you don't need to help yourself to Amazon's finest bargain basement silicone products. Ew. You can give your pussy a high class treat with natural oils such as coconut or sweet almond.  And if you really want to go to town you can infuse some pussy friendly and libido boosting essential oils too. It is a shame when your natural lubrication starts to ebb away. But also, it might be time to get creative and use other smells to turn yourself on.

2) Give yourself lots of time - honestly making love was not made to be rushed. And never more so was this the case than during post-menopausal sex. Really forge the time to relax with yourself or your partner. Set expectations and explore new things together. Old habits can die hard in the bedroom. But perhaps it is time to consider that old habits are no longer workable? Things are changing. And so can you. 

3) Consider hormone supplementation. Obviously, I am not a doctor, but there are herbs and natural supplements that women have used over the ages. And they do so because they work and make things easier. Don't close your mind to the ways that natural medicines might be able to help.

sex and menopause and pain

Unless there are serious medical issues that are troubling you (in which case you can seek medical help of course) then many small, niggling pains can be cured by the above steps.

It is worth remembering that your pussy has always responded to softness and tenderness. I haven't met a woman with a pussy yet who cannot relate to this. 

Pain during sex can really be helped by giving your self and your body more time to down-regulate and let go. Massages, oils, sweet bathwater, music. Yoni steaming can also be amazing. Whatever it takes to get your mind, body and pelvic area to relax.

And then go slowly and gently for the win. You can practice with a wand beforehand if you like - de-armoring is a fantastic practice to loosen tight spots inside.

Finally, and last but not least. 

Take heart. Find the nourishment of your sexuality day by day. Refuse to forget her. And you may find your pussy slows, but is still keen to keep up.


The Temple is my online membership offering that brings together women from all over the world to learn the kickass, graceful undoing that is true feminine power, and to unlearn what we have been taught thus far about our limitations as women.

Think collective spellbreaking.

Think the claiming of more, personally.

Think fun, love and online badassery..


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This post was written by Julia