Asking for Help


asking for help is an act of legitimacy

If I had one thing that would change the course of a woman's life, literally turn it inside out and allow her to grasp how very powerful she was and how possible her dreams actually were for her, then I would focus on one word to trump all other words:

Legitimacy to receive support.

Aka....

You are allowed to be asking for help.

You are allowed to think it. To want it. To take steps towards it. To receive it. To have it.

we prefer shame to asking for help

It is a very radical act for a woman to believe she is capable of being personally legitimate. More often that not she will prefer to skulk off into shame. Or other shame-based behaviours like narcissism or entitlement that don't look like shame but in fact are.

Indeed, lack of self-approval, whilst it is common, it is mostly so subtle as to be barely even be noticed half the time by the women I coach. We disapprove of ourselves many thousands of times per day. Until we start to notice, of course. And then we have the choice to stop.

self-approval is the key to asking for help

It is no surprise that it would be this way.

We are taught as women to place the power of our approval outwards. Empathy comes "naturally" to us, and we are constantly presented with chances to exercise this muscle in the outside world.

Can you think, for example, of the last time you poured social lubricant into the room or onto another person in order to make them feel good about themselves? Or good about what it was they wanted? Rather than asking for help when and where you needed it?

Approving of our own selves can be trickier.

asking for help makes it easy for the world to give

Once we approve of what we want - like really, deeply approve of it - it  is much easier for the world to give it to you.

You can feel it has a type of gravity. And the world responds accordingly. Aka it takes you seriously and often responds.

I remember once I had been treated badly by a lover. I just happened to bump into him on the street after the effect. 

He looked a little afraid, I'll admit. He knew, deep down, that he had broken his word to me - his entire body language conveyed this knowing. Even if, on the surface, he would deflect and try to wriggle out of an admission, still his body felt some shame for how he had acted. And it looked as though he was bracing  for impact, that I might be about to stride in, guns blazing as it were.

Instead, I was versed in the game of inner legitimacy. Of conveying, in my body, complete and utter approval for what it was I wanted.

Before I opened my mouth then, I took a few seconds to clarify in my own mind.

What was it I wanted?

When I understood this, I applied the salve of approval.

Yes. I was allowed to have it. 

I wanted respect. Decent behaviour. Integrity.

As I began to speak I conveyed this to him simply. There was no fight in me. No sense of needing to battle (fight is a strategy that comes from a lack of self-approval, ultimately.)

I simply stated what I expected and needed with complete inner legitimacy. 

And I had this sense like the whole universe swooned. Like of course.... 

His nervous system was swayed also. I could see him react. He was also 'of course.'

Amazingly, he apologised. He took my request on board. he had no need to fight back because I presented him with zero resistance. He approved of my needs.

And that was that.

want more? Listen to this week's podcast about inner legitimacy and asking here

the simple power of approval

Imagine for a moment how your life might pan out if you applied this kind of self-approval into every aspect of it. 

There is a reason that approval or legitimacy is seen as the ultimate state of receptivity in the feminine empowerment world - because if we don't approve of our needs and desires, why on earth would we approve of ourselves asking for help? And why would anyone give it to us in the first place?

It is much, much easier to ask for and receive the thing, when you truly believe you are allowed to have it.

Maybe then, it is not the outside world that needs to change and to understand you better. Maybe it is you who needs to understand (and approve of you) better/

The good news is, that you can take a moment (just like I did with my lover) to calibrate yourself to inner approval. And then choose to act. You can change this right now, going forward, if you like.

ego death and asking for help

Which brings me to the concept of legitimacy, approval, receptivity and the actual ego-destroying practice of asking for help.

There is a cycle I use in Initiate, my sex magic mastermind container, that describes the momentum of the feminine path.

Asking is often the place that women get stuck.

What if they get offended?

What if they say no?

What if....

But the point of using asking as a practice is that it doesn't necessarily matter so much the outcome, as the principle of self-approval that got you opening your mouth in the first place.

This is a tool you can play with to find the edges of your own self-approval, and to expand them too.

Sometimes I will even make an ask that seems absolutely outrageous to me (and to the other person.) Just for the purpose of pushing myself to find approval in these high stakes sensation moments.

For example, recently I decided to ask someone for something that I knew that would probably say no to. And they did. More than that, they were offended. 

Now there is nothing immoral about asking for something. I don't think I was in the wrong to have asked. At all. In fact, you can ask me for anything you like, and I will either say yes, no or maybe.

But this person was very puffed up and indignant indeed.

Did it matter?

It was a ride for sure. It was a chance to breathe into my own approval. That I was allowed to be there. That my existence and needs were legitimate. That we are interconnected and that is ok.

Either way, asking remains a pretty edgy practice for me. And maybe for you too?

But the rewards of routing out where you might be marinating in self-judgement, and alchemising that through action into self-forgiveness and self approval, is a powerful practice indeed. (Even if you lose a few people along the way. More will enter. Maybe even people who say yes.)

You are allowed to exist, dear reader.

For you are beautiful.

And not just you, the world, will flourish when you approve of who you are and ask for help in making that manifest.

I want to live in a world like that.

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Julia


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This post was written by Julia